When you breakup while attempting to make amends with your ex, keep these three things in mind:
1) Impression management: You want to leave a good impression on your ex when they think of you. The versions of yourself from the past, present, and future can all create this impression.
2) Goal management: Ensure that your objectives complement one another. Make it a joint aim if your objective is to reconcile with them.
3) Managing expectations: People frequently act in accordance with their expectations. They will make the necessary efforts to be with you if you can meet their expectations, and two individuals are always stronger than one.
Let’s first discuss the reasons for wanting to reconcile before we examine how to do it:
Some individuals desire reconciliation after a breakup because they find it difficult to move on from their split and feel alone without their spouse. They could wish to get back together after remembering the nice moments they had in the past. Certain individuals desire reconciliation because they believe they have been undervalued and that their partner’s departure signifies their defeat in the competition. Their goal is to earn back the affection and make amends in order to demonstrate their value.
Others could wish to make amends because they believe they won’t find someone better and, after some time spent looking in vain, come to the conclusion that their ex was a good decision.
Some individuals could feel that they are going to lose their ex entirely after the breakup when they witness them flirting with someone else, which is why they might want to make amends. They choose to struggle for reconciliation in this circumstance.
It’s still unclear whether you can genuinely be close and happy again after a breakup, even if you decide to reconcile for these reasons.
What are some justifications for making amends? Following the breakup, you come to the realization that your ex is the person you really want to join since there are a lot of qualities about them that you genuinely like. When you consider spending time with each other in the future, you feel content and hopeful. When you reflect on your time together, you see that many of the bad misunderstandings resulted from inadequate engagement and communication. It is possible to clear up those misconceptions as long as both sides work to strengthen these skills. If you feel your partner is the right person for you again and you don’t want to breakup again, that’s a solid reason to make amends.
Naturally, you must also determine the reason behind your ex’s behavior if you are the one seeking reconciliation. A terrible purpose is self-serving and motivated by self-interest. An excellent one is for expectations and love, for both of their satisfaction. It would be challenging for you to experience actual happiness following reconciliation if the motivation is negative. It will also be quite simple to reconcile if you give up anything.
What must you relinquish? You have to give up trying to get an equal partnership. Giving this up prevents you from experiencing actual happiness and, even if you do end up back together, might leave you feeling oppressed and abused. But some are so desperate to make amends that they continue to compromise their standards and self-worth, believing that self-sacrifice will bring about love. However, this frequently contradicts their desires.
Persist in seeking a partnership on an equal footing and refuse to accept forgiveness. Reconciliation after a breakup may degenerate into a power-based relationship if it becomes a “request.”
What kind of relationship is power-oriented?
Intimate relationships can be classified as either power-oriented or equal-oriented in psychology. In equal-oriented partnerships, consensus, respect, understanding, communication, and appreciation are typically present. The overarching themes of power-oriented relationships are dominance and control. It could not be a communication issue but rather a relationship issue if you observe that in your connections and the relationships of people around you, the other person does not respect or understand you or your friends, and communication is unproductive. Communication between the weaker and stronger parties in romantic partnerships is typically challenging for the weaker person. This is more a question of the stronger party’s willingness than competence.
What does power mean in a close partnership? Is it looks or is it economic status? No, resistance and transformation are the two crucial words. opposing the other person’s attempts to influence you and molding their thoughts, feelings, and actions to fit and fulfill your own wishes. The individual who continuously modifies the other without affecting or altering themselves is the stronger party.
Look at your intimate behavior, especially sexual behavior, if you’re reading this and you’re not sure if your relationship was power-oriented before the breakup or if you’re worried that it will be power-oriented after the reconciliation. This is another method to assess your relationship.
Who makes the decision nowadays about having sex? Is it made by one person or by both of them? In a relationship, an individual is considered dominant if they are the one who consistently makes the decisions. An equal-oriented relationship exists when both partners participate in the decision-making process and are happy with the result.
You may think that high power doesn’t matter as long as two people are in love. I’m glad to obey, and he’s thrilled to be in charge. But what does such power actually bring?
A person with high authority may exhibit less empathy, breach commitments, and engage in more aggressive conduct, including physical and interpersonal assaults.
Relational aggression: what is it?
It alludes to the hurt and betrayal that occur in a relationship, particularly adultery, which is the most severe and common example of diminished empathy, broken promises, and escalated aggression.
So, it is recommended that you avoid relationships that are based on power dynamics. People always want to love and be loved equally; therefore, even if you are the one with more power, an unequal relationship cannot provide you with genuine love and closeness, and usually it leads to a breakup.
After reading this, if you’re still interested in rekindling the connection, let’s discuss the three key strategies to achieve this target: impress management, goal management, and expectation management.
Naturally, you can only implement the next three suggestions if you are still in communication with the other individual. Although there won’t be regular communication as a result of this interaction, you may still show up in the other person’s life and social circles, even when it’s online.
Immediately following a breakup, individuals go through a phase of self-defense. People first want to fully erase everything from the past after such a big shift, not out of love or feelings for the other person, but rather because change wears them out. So, we must take a nap. If you insist on rekindling the connection at this point, it will just drive the other person away. When would it be best to give this some thought? Wait until you’ve at least collected yourself, stopped feeling exhausted, and restored your energy.
Impress management: what is it?
Rebuilding your image in the other person’s mind is the goal. You want to get back together after the breakup, but the other person isn’t sure. This implies two ideas: 1. He wanted to end the relationship because of how he feels about you. 2. He doesn’t want to resume their connection because of his perception of you. It might not seem like much use for these two phrases, but if you read on, you’ll realize that what matters most is how others remember you from the past.
As a result, you must alter his prior perception of you. However, the past has already occurred; how can it be altered? You can include fresh hints and viewpoints. If he believes, for instance, that you did not appreciate this connection sufficiently in the past, you should inform him that it is not sufficient to gauge its significance just based on outward considerations, such as whether or not you bought gifts. When passing judgment, you ought to consider alternative viewpoints as well, such as the modifications you have made to his personality. To put it briefly, you need to ascertain his perception of you, ascertain the cues he employed to get this conclusion, include these cues, and rearrange his cognitive processes. The best option is definitely to meet and talk but keep in mind to have a cool head
What is impression management’s current and future focus?
The idea is to present who you really are. Show out your finest self, please. Since maintaining beauty over the long run depends on your ability to attract the other person, renewing the connection is necessary for a long-term partnership.
Let’s now discuss goal-management.
When attempting to win someone back after a breakup, lot of people often say, “I love you; I want to be with you,” but they often forget that what counts most are the desires and aspirations of the other person. Tell him, above all, that his wishes can only be better satisfied by rekindling the connection and that this is the most crucial way to do it. Saying “I love you” might just make the other person feel under pressure and selfish.
What does this mean? It implies that he could think that being alone or with someone else is preferable to you. Why is it that, just now, he should pursue a new connection with you? Prior to persuading the other person, you must first persuade yourself of this question. You may begin communicating your ideas to the other person if you have placed yourself in their position and continue to believe that rekindling your connection with them is the best course of action.
Asking him about his wishes and aspirations in life might be a good place to start. From there, attempt to identify areas of agreement between your goals and his. Prove to him that having a fresh start with you would fulfill his wishes and help him accomplish his goals more than being by yourself or with someone else. However, keep in mind that you shouldn’t push the other person to resume the connection or give him the impression that he has to be with you. Rather, demonstrate to him that you are aware of his wishes and aspirations and that you are prepared to help him reach them.
Let’s finally discuss expectation management.
Many people have high hopes and assume that the other person will agree to renew the relationship right away when they try to win them back. However, it is not often how things work in the actual world. The other person might not be prepared to resume the connection right now, or he could need some time to reflect.
As such, it’s critical to control your expectations and exercise patience. Don’t press the other person too much or expect him to agree to renew the relationship right away. Give him time and space to reflect instead, and let him make his own judgment. Furthermore, you have to respect the other person’s choice to breakup and end the relationship, even if they choose not to.
In summary, power dynamics should be avoided in favor of impress management, goal management, and expectation management if you want to win the other person back. Give the other person room and time to think things through, be genuine with himself, and acknowledge his wishes and aspirations. And never forget that it’s crucial to respect the other person’s choice and move on with your life even if things don’t turn out the way you had hoped.
Let’s now discuss controlling expectations.
The process of reconciling may become a one-person show if it is not managed skillfully. You will only remember the difficulties and fears that are very different from the efforts made by the two individuals in the early phases of the relationship, even if the other person ultimately chooses to get back together.
Reuniting is preferable when the other person progressively puts in more effort and asks insightful questions, seeing your genuineness and attractiveness. They are aware of your continued interest in them, your want to be in their company, and their desire to reunite with you. They can even be concerned that you’ll decide to give up on attempting to reconcile.
What matters is this “worry.” How can you make them feel this concern again? First and foremost, the notion of an equal partnership, which was touched upon earlier, is crucial. You must communicate to them your desire to reunite due to equality and happiness. If you have to put up with constant suffering and sacrifice in order to keep this relationship going, you might also decide to give up. Giving up doesn’t mean you don’t love them; rather, it means you realize that, even in their company, you won’t be content as long as they don’t put in the effort or show affection for you.
Second, inform them of your availability and alternative opportunities. How can you express your freedom? After the split, show them the positive elements of your life and demonstrate to them that you were the one who brought these beautiful things about. Regarding other opportunities, you should use caution as it might be hard to assess the magnitude. Ways to exercise caution? Inform them that while you do have other suitors, you only provide them with public engagements, like meals, and not possibilities for personal closeness.
Allow kids to view these things accidentally rather than purposefully exposing them to them. People tend to want to avoid situations when they are under strain, therefore you need to take steps to alleviate their pressure.
Lastly, I would want to add that both parties will be impacted by the psychological impact of the effort justification effect in psychology while they are trying to reconcile. “The more effort you put into something, the more you will like it” is the meaning of this effect. A person’s level of concern for the other person and the connection increases with their voluntary investment in it. That’s why you should make every effort to elicit as much time and effort from the other party in your reconciliation efforts.
However, I would want to remind you that you are continually investing while you are attempting to reunite, and your perspective on the matter will harden. Right now, you should take occasional breaks and ask yourself if getting back together is still what you really want out of this. Is it because of the “effort justification effect,” which makes you want to get back together more the more you invest, or do you genuinely believe that getting back together would make you happier?
I hope you realize that your present and future are the most valuable things, even if you find it difficult to let go of the work you did in the past. Let go of the past and focus on achieving your goals for the present and the future.
I really wish you well on your reconciliation journey and may you finally experience enduring closeness and happiness if, on the other hand, you truly believe that getting back together would make you happy. Best of luck!
